The Moonlight Geek

We Just Are

When i was a kid, all i ever wanted to be was happy. I was happy when i saw my bestfriend wait with an empty seat for me, when my teacher asked me to distribute the biscuits, when i got a ten on ten in dictation or when i got those cute erasers from the stationer.

I thought that being happy was the ultimate goal and that everything, our friendships, chocolates, that pink dress and that one golden slipper, was a step towards being happy.

Such bullshit right.

As i transition into an adult, nothing seems enough to make me happy.

Truly, jumping, screaming, mind blowingly happy.

When i realised that it was such a crappy thing to have happiness as the ultimate goal, i was shattered, just a lil.

What should i do? What should i believe in now? What do i work towards?

Erik Erikson must be smiling from his grave as he watches me deal with Identity Crisis. Not funny you old man.

Then suddenly on a night, right before my exam, i realised, wait a minute, what is the purpose of me going through this torture, cramming up what all and what not, causing myself to have these tension headaches, why, what’s the point?

Am i not just supposed to be happy when doing this, supposed to be enjoying the learning process?

No. We are and have never been supposed to be or do something. We just are.

Similarly, we are not supposed to be happy all the damn time, that would be crazy.

Surviving is the goal.

Happiness is just a by product of circumstances and also of you dragging yourself out of bed or dancing it out or just taking a good nap.

I’ve decided and hereby declare that all i want to do is survive and the bits of happiness and sadness that come along the way, are all welcome, because life was never just black and white, it’s always been a rainbow, ask my mom and my childhood love for unicorns.

I solemnly pledge to accept all emotions just as they are, not try to gush happiness but just be and accept everything that comes along.

( that doesn’t mean that you just sit on a couch, accept your fate, and don’t move, but rather instead of wasting your time contemplating why me? you accept it and move, and do. )

no point of this being here, just that it is soooooo funnnny ,okay, bye

my mind wanders off to the possibilities of the future,

to think of all that’s possible and all that’s not,

but there’s a lil hope in some corner,

that dares to tell me,

that it’ll be alright.

till when should i persist?

maybe a lil longer

i’ll stop when it gets too much

or when i sleep

The Sheer Atrocity that is Adolescence

It rips you apart, carefully picking on every insecurity, every wound, and leaves you all alone in your room to deal with your world falling apart.

You become alive to all the hidden problems that seem to be far away from memory.

Wounds, whose presence you always felt, now start bleeding and make you feel like crap.

You vomit your childhood trauma on your favourite bed-sheet, your temperature starts to rise like the number of arguments you have with your parents and you feel alive for the very first time.

Hear me out guys

I know, yes you’ve been alive ever since you were born, but as someone said, childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

You just remember some good memories and some bad ones. It is when you become an adolescent that you become consciously alive.

You get to make conscious choices of how your life is going to be from that very moment on. You get to choose your thoughts, your relationships and the way you want to live. You become your own responsibility. You become answerable to everyone else and most importantly, to yourself. You find yourself to be stuck between conflicting thoughts every day. Choices that you made as a kid were based on your gut, now everything seems to be based on a million other things.

So how do we survive adolescence?

What if i had been better prepared for all the crap that was gonna happen?

What if i knew how to communicate better and make better decisions?

What if- is the most bullshit two little words put together or the most magical two little words🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t get me wrong, i might be writing all this at 2:00 am on a Thursday night when i have my exams going on, i might just have a different opinion the next month but i gotta vomit my thoughts out so bear with me.

I have never felt this crappy, scared, haunted, dismissed, unloved, dead ever. ( when I wrote this, not right know, thanks for your concern 😊)

I did realise however that no matter what happens to/with me in life, i shall always be responsible to deal with the consequences. I will always have to drag myself out of the bottom, which may just keep getting bottom-er as i transit into adulthood (god help me).

So i guess it’s all okay, the good, the bad, is all okay because we don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we sure as hell get to choose what to do with the fucking lemons that life gives us.

So you can make a lemonade or lemon chicken or lemon fish or just take the lemon and throw it towards the sky and scream, that’s also okay.

Living/ Surviving through one day should be enough.

You, yes the person reading this, gets to decide and choose what to do with what life gives you, there’s always a choice.

Choose the option that fuels you, it could be lying in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy or it could be calling someone, or it could be getting to work, it could be anything, just make a choice, and don’t let life get to you.

On a another note, is someone contacting Shonda Rhimes to give me a contract to be on her writer’s team or what?🤣

On Some Days

◦ On some days, your lungs do the breathing for you, on others, you have to teach yourself how to breathe, and that’s when you know you’re powerful and surviving.

◦ On some days, i don’t think I’d step away if a truck came towards me, why do i let the same things shatter me everytime?

Shouldn’t i be used to the shattering now?

Listen if anything happens just don’t feel anything, this is not your world, you’ll build your world when you grow up. I used to tell myself as a kid.

Now that I’m just a year away from adulthood, i tell myself the same thing but now there’s little hope. I should be in control by now. Why am i not? Why haven’t i found a coping mechanism or anything to stop me from shattering?

Why should i wake up tomorrow morning? I don’t know. I don’t want to.

I’ve felt this many times before but now it’s different. I don’t have time to be better now. I want time and hope. But it will fail, like it always does.

Dark, i know. I will add to this as and when my mind feels impatient enough to do so till then let’s let it be incomplete.

You Choose You

What we decide to do with every second of our life,

What we chose to do with the state of our mind and body,

Is what makes us unique.

It took me quite some time to realise that everything I do is about choices.

Sitting alone in a room, weeping about things, and being hopeless and not doing anything to get better, is a choice.

It is easier to think of all the things that are wrong and unfair than to get up and take action. That action can be as simple as calling a friend, but it definitely is not easy.

I have been that person, the one who makes the easier choice, the one who rots in their own misery.

We all have miseries, that’s what unites us in a way.

We choose to be alone, we choose to be hopeless, we choose not to take action and please don’t think of action as something massive but rather as something as simple as getting out of bed, taking a walk or cleaning up your room.

We choose not to seek help, to not mould relationships in the way we want them to be and to do nothing.

In the phase of human existence that we are alive in, everything, multiple solutions are available on the internet. All you need to do now is reach out, extend your hand and seek help, rather use your hand to get the help.

You get multiple shots at life, everyday is like a refill. So just try to help the only person you get to spend your entire life with, ie yourself.

Your body, your mind is yours for years to come. Your everyday choices will determine who you want to be. Choose better. Choose you.

Look at your sadness/hopelessness/trauma/any feeling, in the face and tell it that you choose you. You choose you to save yourself, to let yourself get through life, the good and the bad, all the while having your back and holding on tight.

Seek solutions, seek people, seek sunshine/moonlight.